I moved my house three months ago and since then I do nothing but housework... Actually this process has started even before I moved and it seemed to me at some point of time (and usually at times when I felt lonely and exhausted) something never ending! But yes... with perseverance I finished most part of the job now but I feel that this took more than three months. I have realized being occupied only with daily chores and the house in general was such an energy sucking job. Ok, I agree, things look like nice at the end, but you give yourself to it completely during the day and in the evening you don’t even want to read anything (at least this was like this in my case).
And then whom can I think of? My own mother of course... And I recall some memories ... I was upset with her when she used to ask me to remove the dust in the dining room or to arrange my room. “That was ‘my’ room anyway” and “who the hell she thinks she was”. I guess I had so much ego in the wrong sense! I wish I could stand face to face with my mother now and tell her that I will do what she wants after I finish this and that or something else. But we always used to confront one another. I don’t want to say that I was 100% wrong but at least 60%! Leave aside the percentages but what I feel now I underestimated her and was escaping from her because she was not an intellectual like my father. I never saw her reading a book (except newspapers). She had respect for those who were educated but I was asking my self can she not buy a book or a concert ticket on her own?
I experienced this past months that my energy drains when I don’t read because this is kind of a brainwork for me and it needs practice regularly. Didn’t my mother know this? Maybe not, but like everyone else she had the right to the intellectual activities. It must be so tiring for her with two kids and a husband. Only keeping the house clean everyday is hard by its own, let alone cooking everyday for four people and other children’s problems that may arise any time. Or perhaps should she say “I don’t care what you eat, I’m reading my riveting novel”. If she did would she be more happy? I don’t know, each person is unique with specific feelings and character, but I wish she had said that!
These days we hear a lot in Turkish news agenda that Turkey needs to face with its past regarding Armenians, with its domestic affairs like unidentified murders (few people started to walk two days ago from Istanbul to the capital city of Ankara to draw attention to this issue), with Kurds, with the domineering force of military and so on... Turkey goes through a “turbulence” period. Because in this country, for a long time the state and the people suppressed or avoided problems and what does basic psychology tells us is that any thing suppressed will burst out at the end of the day. So it seems we are in a normal process:) Nothing to worry... Things can be more painful if they are denied or pushed down.
So, I believe confessing and accepting is crucial in people’s or states’ lives. Will it be a total relief, I think this depends on the person as not to get stuck with the past and move on in life. I feel so much ready with this and I do this inside myself for some time. I hope Turkey too will settle all its “accounts”!
Confessions have a great importance in the literature too. It was St. Augustine who had started this tradition of writing about his regrets among writers. Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s Confessions also was a touchstone in this aspect. Rousseau with his uneasy conscience wrote his book to come clean at the end. He wanted to justify himself to himself.
Can we clear our “sins” really by writing or sharing? I am not sure about that, but I feel I am relieved and it gives courage to me, it gives my confidence back to me. Ultimately, you can see the serenity in my picture below taken few days ago:)
3 years ago